I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Perfection.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.