I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Kentucky names the shit out of places
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
#dnd #ttrpg
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?