Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
wish me luck lads
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again