I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
That’s classic.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit