I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You Might Also Like
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me