I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist