Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
it must be school picture day
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now