[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy