“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Who’s your best friend?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Banking tips
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Jogging
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”