Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
this is the news I live for
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Dudes named Chance never had one.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.