Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
You Might Also Like
“How’s your day going?”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*