I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
You Might Also Like
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Social Media and Real life
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬