HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
good for her