The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
😂💯
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
bugs when you lift up a rock