Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!