First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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I have never related to anyone more.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.