“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
You Might Also Like
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”