When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War