Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My Guy
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.