I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Bless you
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
had to make it
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*