It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My beach vacation Google searches
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine