Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.