Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact