taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The happy life.. 😊
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*