“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Holy crap this is wonderful
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Received some very disappointing news today
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair