Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts