Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Worst perfume name ever.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
socratic questions
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.