When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?