The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Thursday Thought.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.