“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
no regrets
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science