If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.