My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My teenage children choosing violence
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.