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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
just got my engagement photos
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow