The smoothest fall of all time
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.