[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
You Might Also Like
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.