pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
You Might Also Like
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
normalize having existential bread
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Breaking news:
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman