Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You Might Also Like
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.