THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday