You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.