Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Not all heroes wear capes.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?