[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My blood type is coffee.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?