*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.