[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Never be a pizza!
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE