I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
@ candidates for local office
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.