I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.