Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.