Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I’m literally crying
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then