Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party