[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.