“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My flabber has been gasted.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Chemical wingman
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.